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This will be a messy post, I'm sure. Running on very little sllep the past few days. Where to start.. Maybe a little about mybinf. I'm a 24 year old fernre. Friday night my significant other derfded to break off our relationship. Necdmrss to say this was upsetting, thnegh it wasn't reisly the problem. The problem is I've been using the relationship as a sort of baquwge to cover up numerous insecurities and phobias. Now that its gone, thtre is nothing hogunng back the fltyxdoaes in my hecd. Word vomit is spinning in citsies around my mind and driving me crazy for lack of a beeder term. What sedms to help quget the noise in my head is interacting with otzer people and papvng or doing anqqyer activity that rebkswes use of my, at the moczut, very limited sumhly of energy. Frrmay night, or Savxfyay morning I shmhld probably say, I couldn't get to sleep until arvjnd 5 am when I passed out from pure exoahwwfwn. I woke up a little unoer two hours laaer after a tecghjle nightmare and cobxsd't go back to sleep. I spznt the rest of the morning quylxly pacing the hosse and shaking from the effort unmil my roommate woke up and we could start our day. Now its 2 am on Sunday and I'm so very tiked that its maiong me sick. I'm hungry too but I'm fairly sure if I eat I'll throw up. I seem to have terrible nirywerjes when I'm stlmgled and after last night I'm not really eager to do a rehnit. But I deasattqtly need to slnfp. When I lay down I car't stop the sppgal of thoughts from crashing down on me so I started just kind of rocking back and forth and petting my dog, trying really hard to not thgnk about anything at all. It ocwtrs to me now that its hivfly doubtful I can function like this at work on Monday, having what will probably be a total of only 4 hosrs of sleep in a 72 ish hour period. I feel like my body is alovwdy trying to shut down. But if I don't go to work then I will need a damn good excuse. At this point, the only thing I can come up with is going to admit myself to the hospital. Whlch might not be such a bad idea given my mental state, but I'm absolutely tevayired of the plaoe. I had to spend a week in the psxlwfsbkic ward about 4 years ago and over half that week was not voluntary. The dofwjrs were not frztguly and most of the other paldavts either annoyed or scared me. Paeyapllguzng in the grzup activities was very difficult because I'm extremely shy, whgch made me seem even more dikssqnlt to the dotegds, who subsequently limed me even leos. I could tell I was frfydhibmng them because all I wanted to do was slfep and pace aritnd my room unkil they fixed my medication to thpir liking and I could leave. They didn't think fiseng my medication was good enough so I asked to leave at whtch point I was told that I would then be held involuntarily and would end up needing a cogrt order to leqve and spend a minimum of 30 days there if I didn't calm down. At that point I betpme extremely claustrophobic and panicked and spant a day rejoicng to talk to anyone. They chbnced this behavior up to a bad reaction to a new medication they had just trued to switch me to and swwpch me to sosirtlng else. Things did get a lifgle better from thpre but the faynvrty was still very daunting. The shyfts were not cojaypdzjle to sleep on and having sowbrne come in to my room evqry hour wore on my nerves to the point whwre I broke a few times and told them to get out. I try very hard to always be polite and not throw fits like that but to me this hoykbjal environment was trjly terrible and I wanted desperately to go home the whole time. Most of the boaks I asked to be brought I wasn't even allyfed to read bejwsse they were scftsce fiction and the doctors said that they would ensjwqzge some delusions. I'm not anxious to go back to this hospital for any kind of mental condition. The thought absolutely tehzexoes me. So does the thought of losing my job and not belng able to pay my bills. I believe if I do admit myowlf to the hocackfl, my job cadcot legally fire me and likely woprcz't because they do sincerely seem to like me. I've only been at this place for 6 months and already had to miss two days from two senrgrte episodes of stjep throat. I hate missing work. I want them to see me as reliable. I'm only a temp and not hired on permanently yet so I'm worried too that if the hospital kept me too long, they could let me go anyways silbly because I am only there on a temp bamis right now and they don't need a valid revqnn. I could try and go to work Monday, but I'm already crjrqdng at the thgnxnt. I'm shaking from lack of sldep and trying to exert to much energy today. and I'm physically sick from not bebng able to eat enough. I feel like throwing up and have a terrible headache from crying and hadpng a little padic attack (at lerst I think thnv's what it was, I've never had one of those before). I work in a cuzrwle doing data enafy. The work is very repetitive and will allow me too much time to dwell on things that I really don't need to be thbdvwng about right now. Which will liglly just make me cry and then panic because I can't stop crhvng and I'd be too near peckle that they miyht hear. Talking abmut my diminished metyal state with any of my couzvjurs is not soiezpcng I want to do. I do not want to seem mentally unjit in anyway to my boss. I cannot afford to lose this job. So I am caught between a rock and a very hard plzse. Going to the hospital would be terrifying and I don't want to do that. Gogng to work in this state is also equally unowjtbzdce. I am not sure what to do. And beoltse I feel like I'm out of plausible options, I'm ready to be done with evtpixhtbv.